Sunday, May 18, 2008

Local Man pushes for sex strike

Local Man has really lost it this time. While in Denver, he's pushing for an addition of a one-day sex strike by women to the state's constitution. According to Channel 7 in the Mile High City, Local Man Wants Sex Strike On Ballot.

The idea is not entirely new, says the TV station. In the fifth century Greek comedy "Lysistrata" by Aristophanes, the female residents of a Greek town barricade the public funds building and withold sex from their husbands to end the Peloponnesian War.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Local Man tries to kill Local Boy

Apparently there is a problem in the Local Family. While passing through Bloomington, Indiana, Local Man was picked up on some serious charges. According to the Indiana Daily Student, Local man arrested for attempted murder of son.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Local Man a horse fan

Whenever Local Man has had some extra time and money lately, he's been handcrafting a giant equine to show off his talents. The Tribune-Chronicle in Mesopotamia, Ohio, reports: Local man building oversized horse. Dedication will take place in July during the annual ox roast.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Locals alive and well and playing squash

Haven't heard much about our favorite family lately, so it was good to hear this report out of Niagara Falls: Locals alive at squash nationals.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Local Man sets good example

Here's the Local Man we all love, fighting for truth, justice and the American way. As we see, our hero has been in Peoria, Ill., where according to WHOI, Local man takes stand against deadbeats.

Local Man on the down-low

We've been looking for Local Man these past few days, but strangely he's been leading an ultra low-key life. Then we find out from the Circleville (Ohio) Herald that he has been missing: Local man not found on Monday.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Local Man a quiz show genius

Local Man is smart. Being smart helps him when he hits a new town -- he knows how to pick up some quick cash wherever he is. So it's no surprise KIMA-TV in Yakima, Wash., is reporting about his Jeopardy exploits: Local Man Winning The Big Bucks On Jeopardy.

Local Man realizes 1970s dream

Who hasn't had this dream? Local Man recently fulfilled a decades-long desire to get face to face with Dolly Parton. The Cleveland Daily Banner reports: Local man meets Parton, life long dream realized. He also got to meet Marsha Brady!

Local Man top newcomer in kitchen

Local Man's prowess in the kitchen has caught the attention of a top food magazine. Says Channel 3 in Philadelphia: Local Man Named America's Best New Chef.

Local Man a hero in Canada

Local Man was busy the other night in Cincinnati scanning the Internet for threats to children when lo and behold he discovered an anonymous threat aimed at a Montreal school. Says the Kentucky Post: Local Man Thwarts School Shooting In Canada.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Local Man Down Under

Local Man is down in Australia today turning the tables on those who seek to find his identity. Rather than let others ask questions of him, he's on the offensive, reports the Latrobe Valley Express, which published: Local man's quest to put a face to a name .

Local Man not a handyman

We never said it was a good idea to let Local Man into your home. Just a hunch, based on his checkered past. So it's no surprise to see the Times Daily in Florence, Alabama, reporting: Local man charged with home repair fraud.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Local Man ... hee hee

We admit it, we giggled when we saw the headline Local man rides the nobbies to the big time, but wouldn't you? Anyway, it appears Local Man has fun in his spare time motocross racing in Zanesville, Ohio.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Local Man selling fake Rolexes

We always wonder how Local Man supports himself. We hear things from time to time. Sometimes he appears to be a nefarious scoundrel. Apparently this time he's selling fake Rolexes. neSays the Windsor Star: Local man investigated.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Local Man puts family to work

Local Man has a conscience, of course, and he tries to instill that on all his relatives. So it's not surprising Local Man made a family outing out of Earth Day festivities in Canada. According to a St. Catharines, Ont., newspaper: Locals pitch in for city cleanup

Local Man hits high speeds

We always knew Local Man was a speedy fellow, able to cross whole continents in the blink of an eye. Apparently he is putting that talent to good use in the American Le Mans Series. Take it from the Daily 49er, Cal State Long Beach's definitive source for campus news: Local man reaches high speeds.

Local Man turns 40

We can't vouch for the veracity of this story out of Texas, but in addition to caving in to the "reality" TV craze, Local Man is turning 40 and will do so before a studio audience (ed. note: we could have swore he was actually about 140 years old, with some Dorian Gray thing going on). Says the Herald-Zeitung: Local man to be featured on reality show.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Local Man helps kids

Local Man isn't do all bad things during his extended stay in OK. According to the Enid News: Local man pioneers school program.

Local Man continues Oklahoma crime spree

If anyone had asked us a week ago, "Dear Sirs: What are the chances of Local Man ever visiting Oklahoma?" we would have shaken our Magic 8-ball and replied, "Don't count on it."

But here we are now with evidence that Local Man has become stuck in some sort of twisted Groundhog Day (note: Local Man is not Bill Murray), caught between being really bad and only occasionally doing some good.

The latest evidence: The Cowley County News Cow reports Local man flees police; wanted on warrants.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Local Man spills beans on Pope

Apparently in between his jail stings and court appearances, Local Man did get to meet Pope Benedict. In fact, back in Allentown, Penn., WFMZ reports: Local Man Talks About Meeting with Pope.

Local Man not okay during extended stay in OK

Oklahoma doesn't seem to bring out the best in Local Man. We've seen him do a lot of things over the years, but he must be hanging out with the wrong crowd down south. The Bartlesville Examiner-Enterprise reports: Local man pleads ‘no contest’ to slew of charges.

Local Man helps fight rising gas prices

In rare video footage, chameleon-like Local Man dons a disguise to tell Oklahoma drivers how to save money when filling up with petrol. (no word on whether this, too, is in Tahlequah.

Local Man Offers Gas Pump Tricks

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Local Man loses job, wins millions

We've never really believed Local Man has held a job for more than a few days, so the unemployment part doesn't surprise us (actually we're leaning toward the Bruce Wayne theory right now, that Local Man is independently wealthy, allowing him the time to experiment with time and space bending).

But still, we are surprised he would be buying lottery tickets, as he recently did in Queens: Unemployed Local Man Wins $14 Million Lottery.

Local Man doing better

It's hard to figure out exactly how he gets around the world so quickly, seemingly defying time and space, but that's the mystery we will one day solve involving Local Man. But somewhere between taking potshots at pedestrians and chatting up the Pope, he was in Normal, Ill., where, according to The Pantagraph, Local man's condition upgraded to fair after motorcycle collision.

Local Man gone loco

We jut can't explain this one. It doesn't fit Local Man's m.o. But there it is, in black and white, a Wheeling, Ill., newspaper reporting Local man charged with shooting at pedestrians.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Local Man meets Pope (again)

Local Man sure has the Pope's ear. Going from town to town, he has managed to be that lucky one who gets to meet (or guard) the visiting Vatican. As WFMZ in Allentown, Pennsylvania reports, Local Man to Meet with Pope.

Local Man released on bond

Local Man appears to be in some sort of twisted Groundhog Day down in Oklahoma. The Tahlequah Daily Press reports on the mystery man for the third day in a row: Local man accused of exposure.

Local Man meets Pope

Not surprisingly, as we read a Syracuse report earlier this week that Local Man would be escorting the Pope, but today we read from a Rochester TV station that indeed Local man meets Pope Benedict.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Local Man stuck in Tahlequah

Wait -- wasn't Local Man just locked up in Tahlequah? Today we read: Local man charged with child neglect, domestic abuse. Maybe the Tahlequah Daily Press should take a closer look at this story and tell us what's really going on with Local Man in their town.

Local Man thwarts robbery

This is the Local Man we are more familiar with. According to WCTV down in Moultrie, Fla., Local Man Scares Away Potential Robbers.

Local Man up to no good?

We're pretty sure they've got the wrong guy. There's no way the Local man sentenced to 15 years in Tahlequah could be our Local Man -- as long as we've been tracking him he's never been to Oklahoma.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Local Man doing good again

Local Man was spotted in Maryland, back to his good deeds. The Frederick News-Press reports Local man helps returning vets, aiding them in coping with post traumatic stress disorder.

Local Man on 60 Minutes

While usually keeping a somewhat lower profile, showing up in a brilliant yet contained flash that doesn't pass the city limits, Local Man has thrown caution to the wind, this time in the name of medical research. WINK News in Florida says Local Man Profiled on 60 Minutes for Cancer Research. Will his true identity be revealed? Stay tuned.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

BREAKING NEWS! Local Man to escort Pope

Of all the adventures Local Man has had over the years, of all the lucky breaks and tight situations he has found himself in, this has to be the biggest. WSYR-TV in Syracuse reports Local Man to Escort Pope!

Local Man builds car for new museum

Local Man has been very busy lately. This weekend it was noted by a Pennsylvania TV station that Local Man Builds Car for America on Wheels Museum. What skills doesn't Local Man have? Besides an apparent lack of personality (or some would say reality distortion field) that keeps people from remembering his name, it appears his talents are endless.

Local Man is an artist

Verifying reports we've heard over the years, Local Man is indeed an artiste. According to the Republican & Herald in Pennsylvania, Local Man crafts masterpieces from clay, with one of his prized pieces being an 8-inch version of Mick Jagger.

Stop the press: Local Man's offspring doing good too!

We never doubted it, but Local Man has children. And he has apparently passed on to them the do-good gene, as you can see from this report from Fort Erie, Local kids doing great things. With this evidence left behind by Local Man, we've dispatched a correspondent to find his babies' mother and see if we can learn more about the mysterious globe-trotting stranger.

Local Man's sight improving

Local Man recently received free eye surgery. The cataract work was part of a nationwide promotional event sponsored by Bausch & Lomb.

We imagine winning a contest without having a fixed address is not easy, but Local Man has that sort of amazing power which transcends what normal persons are capable of.

But this story from the Indiana Daily Student confirms Local Man's preoccupation with golf.

“I’m golfing in Myrtle Beach next week,” he said. “After my new vision, the people I’m golfing with better bring some extra money.”

Local Man a hero

Local Man: one day he's pulling hepped up on goofballs and robbing pharmacies with a sawed-off ballpoint pen; the next day, two towns over he's a hero pulling a woman out of a burning car, according to News Now 10 in upstate New York. Perhaps one day a news outlet will be able to get Local Man to sit down for an extensive interview and see what makes him tick.

Local Man survived sinking of Titanic

Little did we know, but Local Man was a crew member on the Titantic. He was the ship's commodore barber, who personally attended to the grooming of the great financier J.P. Morgan during previous transatlantic crossings, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Local Man needs surgery

We were unaware Local Man has a chronic ailment which results in numbness and limited mobility. The Quincy Patriot Ledger reports he soon will travel to China for cutting-edge surgery. Get well soon, Local Man.

Local Man a golf fan

Little did we know, but it appears Local Man is a golf fan. In particular, he is in awe over Augusta.